Here I go off the track again. Thought of beating my loneliness with loneliness itself. Thinking and thinking makes me a emotional fool out here for nothing. Actually trying to figure out What am I? What I am actually suppose to do with my life and the so called bloody future. Lots of cross questioning with my inner-self and the result out of it was simply void. :-) What I figure out was this that, we normal being can't change what gonna happen to our life tomorrow. When I use to be in school, my dad used to say " Read Well! Else you will meet with your future in hell." But I guess dad forget to mention some better crap which can do the same. There is something special in probably everybody's life which leads our way to hell in no time. Guessed? Yeah! Its no other than love. Sometimes I pass through a great ray of dismay when I question myself why does this always happens to me? Why my dedication for the one in the millionth goes in disrespect? How can my special one leave me hopeless? May be God testing my patience. But now I can't stand with it. Now no more GOD.
Few days back somehow after one an half years I gossiped with my first love( which is what I feel). When I felt being close to her, she forced me to make a safe distance from her. She got a boyfriend from the day she left me. Mathematically they are going around with each other for more than one and half years. Logically she had been going with that guy when I was in her life. Oh. Holyshit! I am forced to believe the rumors. I am forced to doubt my love for her for the first time ever. My life has always made me cry like this, without a solid reason. I heard that when god closes one door, he always makes a way for the next door in notime but the next opened door is of no use for sure. Now my inner me binds me from not loving her. She choose someone else, my love has been answered. Its fine I can love someone the way I use to love her, but can she get my kind of love? :-). She is not my cup of tea. Actually I tried the tradition again.
And from that very day I have limited my contact with my latest love. Yeah! love happens many times ;-). She is also a typical girl. She talks with me as I am her boyfriend and when I ask her does she loves me, she says she loves me but as a friend only. She do cares for me a lot but now she is also gone. :) She says " I'm the best thing (yes! thing)she can have". Now it's difficult for me to understand girls. She actually has a crush on someone else but I thought that my love for her would make her close to me, I succeded but the other day she started gossiping with someone else. She is confused. But I am helpless, can't imagine life with out her. Emotional one, true one. Actually emotions always wins over the practical ones.
To be honest now a days I'm trying to make a different world for me. Trying to escape reality in the best suitable way and to be with my last hope only. One thing I need to do quite often is that I need to console my heart again and again. But this silly heart is not at all ready to listen my single word of me. This silly is very optimistic, always have faith in me. :)
This is the sweetest pleasure I have gone through recently. Tired of all this. I don't know why? !
My life has nothing to do with me.
SHUBH. . .